dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
