Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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