Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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