he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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