Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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