his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
