hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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