apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
