textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
