remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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