Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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