my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
