I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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