The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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