Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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