i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
