i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
