just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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