I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
