allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
