I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize