You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
