I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize