I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
