Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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