omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
