Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
