Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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