The maid of honor just puked.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
