i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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