Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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