I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
