don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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