I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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