im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
