The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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