just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize