I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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