Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
