I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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