The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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