I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
