i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
