Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize