for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
