I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
