someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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