I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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