The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
