Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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