Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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