ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fuck appropriateness.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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