I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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