i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
