Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
