I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
