someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
