so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
