She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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