bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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