he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
