I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have fence marks all over my body
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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