my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
