they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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