listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize